Well I meant to get back to this last night, but I kept getting interrupted, and now I can’t sleep because my mind won’t “SHUT THE HELL UP!” So I know I’ve mostly been writing a bunch of superficial butshit – I don’t prefer to call it bullshit, but I am still really hurt from losing (NAME WITHHELD). No, that’s not quite right…
There is a part of me, a small part of me, that isn’t in pain, but rather a constant soul crushing agony. That small part of me would set the world aflame and watch it burn with a smile if it would bring him back. And The Darkness knows this…and it whispers lies or twisted truths that sound so sweet when they echo off a broken mirror.
It’s almost funny how fast my emotional state will shift. One moment I’ll be having one of those rare moods where I’m floating in the sea of life with no problem under sunny skies. Then I’m thunder struck as the sky goes black and I go under. Drowning, fighting against stormy waters just to break the surface. I need to breathe so I kick and scream silently for relief. The surface…my head above water…a breath, cut short by a wave that crushes me back under the water and once again I can’t breathe, but the seething sea of life is calm down here…Tempting me to cease my struggling. The cold dark waters sap my strength and deny me breath. Heavy limbs and a heavier heart fight for the surface.
I guess you could say I’m just trying to keep my head above water. Sometimes it’s really hard to give a fuck. The crazy part is that I’m aware that I have plenty of reasons to give a fuck. I have family that loves me; a genius, self-sufficient and beautiful wife who I’m sure still loves me (despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary). I’m really pretty healthy (physically), and pretty sharp intellectually (despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary). And yet, despite all, my brain simply says, “And? So What…”
Most nights I go to bed (usually) simply hoping that I don’t have to wake up. But of course I wake up the next morning…and waking up disappointed, simply because you woke up at all isn’t really the best way to start one’s day.
Life at this point in time seems pointless and undesirable. I’m mostly certain that I’m no longer living my life for myself, because I’m mostly certain I do not want this life. However, I am 100% certain this life of mine does not only belong to me. Therefore this life is heaven, or paradise, or whatever you wish to call a second albeit perfect eternal life. Nor do I desire damnation. I simply want oblivion, just nothingness.
Comments